09.14.03 - 11:45 pm

“God, I’m in this place again I’m trying so hard not to fall, but everything keeps coming down with the rain.”

I’m an observer. Although I talk much, and listen (hopefully as) much, the back side of my brain is in constant motion, gathering every subtlety that clues me in to what a person really means regardless of what he or she says out loud. I don’t believe this “knowledge” is anything I could know naturally; instead, it is a gift from God that He bestowed so that I can touch others where it might make a difference. When it doesn’t, I know that I’ve either started trying to force things (meaning do them on my own), or I know that the person has shut off any desire for change. If that’s the case, I either choose to wait, or I shake the proverbial dust off my feet and find more-receptive company.

That’s my ministry in its entirety. That’s what He’s called me to do.

Sometimes, though, I get in the way of accomplishing all that He wants for me, and I feel like I’m not making an impact on the life of anyone anywhere.

See, for a long time, the deepest part of me wasn’t alive. I spent my life in the darkness, chained to a wall in a sordid dungeon, and I couldn’t do or find anything to set me free…. Until I let the One who made me try his hand at the locks. He led me to open fields, to breathe in something pure, unmarred, innately good.

And then things became complicated. All week, I've wondered, "Why am I constantly fighting a depraved urge to resign myself to unhappiness?" It seems like negativity and depression constantly nip at my heels, and attempt to drag me back to my prison. Sometimes I even go there willingly, and fasten the cuffs around my wrists and sulk in misery.

I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to see everything as half-empty, and I definately don't want to suck the life out of the people I care about the most. I've found now that the only way to fight all the demons is to keep running toward and into things touched directly by the hand of God. Unfortunately, though, I get tired too often and need to great big shoves in that direction. “If you don’t walk through the door, God will drag you through the key-hole.”

Life is just tricky sometimes, and finding things touched directly by the hand of God, because they aren’t the most abundant thing on this planet, is hard. (Hmm, I guess that’s why He wants to *lead * me to them… Silly me, always trying to do it my own way…)

Lately I’ve been on a quest for friends who will speak to my heart, who know how to love, who will let themselves receive mine. And, if my God cannot be put in a box, why should I limit Him by the variance of people in my life? I don't have to be confined to a certain group; I don't have to be best friends with everyone, but I do have to have the best with my friends.

I was honestly about to resign from that pursuit, but today I realized that just because I’ve planted seeds, doesn’t mean they're ready to sprout.
So... more waiting for me.

Here’s a random thought for the day:
I wonder what we’d look like if we all were dressed only as nicely as the condition of our hearts.

Song of the Day: Hanging On by Everyday Sunday

Editor’s note: This entry took me two days to write. Yesterday I cried there in my prison, forcing my own capture, upset because I felt like I wasn’t doing enough or being enough for anyone. I want so much to make a difference, and I can’t stand when I *know* I’m not. So tonight, I came back to finish all that I had to say, and in the midst of writing this, I’ve had about four people make me aware that my existence is a blessing to them. I'm sincerely shocked at God's provision of my needs. I don’t deserve any of it, and I’m going to bed tonight feeling incredibly blessed….

 

 

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